you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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