last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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