Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
