Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
