OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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