I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
