i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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