Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
