Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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