dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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