my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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