you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
