Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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