Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
