did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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