Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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