Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I wear drunk well.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize