I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
