So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
