Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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