I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize