i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
