Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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