Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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