I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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