omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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