Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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