Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
