I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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