Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
