can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
