I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
