I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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