why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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