Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
