Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
