if i can run in heels then i can drive
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
