Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
