Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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