Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i think my cat just said my name.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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