Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
