watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
