i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I hate all girls vehemently.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
