Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
