We named our party play list daddy issues
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
