he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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