my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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