dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
