I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
