Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
