Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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