Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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