I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
