Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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