So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
