Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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