Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
