Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
