I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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