i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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