Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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