Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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